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Saturday, April 6, 2013

Turning 40 and Sexier than Ever; the Irresistible Ms Mobile

Ms Mobile at birth 

Ms Mobile turned 40 on April 3, 2013 and she is the sexiest woman alive. She changes lives, breaks hearts and brings smiles to the faces of everyone who gets a glimpse of her. Ms Mobile was born on April 3, 1973 in the US. She weighed 2.2 pounds. It is hard to know who the parents are but Dr. Martin Cooper played a key role in bringing Ms Mobile to the world.  The general public in the US found out about Ms Mobile on March 6th,1983 when the first commercial mobile phone, DynaTac 8000x went on sale for $3,995. Prior to the US public becoming aware of Ms Mobile, Japan and the Nordic counties got to know Ms Mobile a little bit. At the time, the most popular fortune teller in the business world, McKinsey, famously predicted that Ms Mobile will amount to nothing i.e.  by year 2000, the global market for mobile phones would be 900,000. In the year 2000, there were 400,000,000+ mobile phones globally. And, today there are more than 6,000,000,000 mobile phones in the world

The prospects of Ms Mobile were so low that at age ten, when the US government ordered Mr. AT&T to divide his assets among his seven wives, he decided to give Ms Mobile up to be raised by all seven. Talk about a lack of prescience. Needless to say Ms Mobile had a tough childhood. 

Ms Mobile went to Analog high school where she was very popular but only the rich kids could spend time with her because of her expensive tastes. When it came time for college, the Europeans wanted Ms Mobile to go to the GSM college and the Americans wanted Ms Mobile to attend the TDMA college and a minority of Americans wanted her to attend the iDEN college. The Japanese had other ideas about her post-secondary education. They wanted Ms Mobile to go to the PDC college. Since Ms Mobile was creative and global in nature, she let the countries decide the colleges for her. She attended all of them for some time since they all had the same curriculum based on TDMA. Then, Mr. Qualcomm, launched a college with a new curriculum based on CDMA and that is where Ms Mobile did her master's. 

While the world was fighting over the college selection for Ms Mobile, in the US many men were fighting with each other to woo Ms Mobile. These men include Mr. Airtouch, Mr. Bell Atlantic, Mr. McCaw Cellular, among many others. There were multiple battles among these men. Most died in the battle.  You have to know something about Ms Mobile: size matters to her. All men were trying to get bigger. Today, in the US, the main survivors are Mr. Verizon, Mr. AT&T (actually, Mr. SBC who took Mr. AT&T's name after killing him), Mr. Sprint, and Mr. T-Mobile, a German immigrant. The US government has put a stop to the killings.

The men know each other's tactics well and are sticking to a similar game plan out of fear of what their rivals might do. T-Mobile, the smallest in size of the four, is the most aggressive. Oh, the things our insecurities make us do! And, a new Japanese guy, Mr. Softbankjust killed Mr. Sprint but kept his name to enter the battle. Of course, there are little men like Metro PCS, (which Mr. T-Mobile is trying to kill) and Leap Wireless, trying to woo Ms Mobile. Recently, the men in battle heard of a new Weapon of Mass Destruction (WMD) called innovation so they are all spending a lot of money to find this WMD. So far, no luck! Well, it won't be the first time that someone doesn't find WMDs. Similar battles are happening all over the world. I am not sure if these old men stand a chance when so many young, smart, and handsome men are fighting over Ms Mobile. 

You have to understand that Ms Mobile has turned out to be a bit of a player. She has numerous homes all over the world and she has multiple personalities. She can be in several places at the same time and, once you see Ms Mobile, you can't help but fall in love. Ms Mobile puts Carmen to shame. While these old men (wireless operators) were fighting for Ms Mobile, another breed of men (Mobile Network Equipment manufacturers) who prefer to fight behind the scenes, were in a war as well. Mr. Nortel, Mr. Lucent, Mr. Ericsson, Mr. Alcatel, Mr. Siemens (Information and Communications), and Mr. Nokia (Networks) are some of these men. They showed Ms Mobile the dream of travel to new countries, a better quality of life (voice), new dresses and shoes (video), and trips on their high-speed 3G jets. Mr. Nortel went bankrupt because he spent too much money wooing Ms Mobile. Mr. Lucent had to be married off to Mr. Alcatel in an arranged marriage. Now the couple is known as Alcatel-Lucent. Mr. Siemens got engaged with Mr. Nokia and the couple is called Nokia Siemens Networks. We will see if they get married. Finally, Mr. Ericsson had to change his job to survive. He now sells services. The Chinese are the new entrants to the game. At the top of that list is Mr. Huawei who has a strong military background that is scaring all the men. 


Let's come back to Ms Mobile who is now happily dating Mr. Nokia in Europe in the 1990s. He was not a good looking guy but he was reliable and given the other options, Ms Mobile was happy with Mr. Nokia. The effort Mr. Nokia put in changing himself to please Ms Mobile impressed her. Did you know that Mr. Nokia was a rubber boots salesman before he met Ms Mobile? Mr. Vodafone tried really hard to woo Ms Mobile and he was always boasting about his big size but Ms Mobile found his upper lip too stiff (those uptight Brits!). Mr. Motorola seduced her away back to the US for a couple of years in the mid-90s with StarTAC . However, that did not last very long and Ms Mobile returned to Europe. While in Europe, young teenagers taught Ms Mobile to write and communicate in short messages. Although Ms Mobile was attending college, given the current state of our education system, she did not learn to write. Mr. Ericsson, Mr. Siemens and Mr. Alcatel were trying to woo Ms Mobile on multiple fronts (Phones and Networks). Mr. Siemens stopped chasing Ms Mobile and sold his tricks to BenQ. Mr. Ericsson got married to Mr. Sony. I am not sure what happened to Mr. Alcatel. Poor guy! The French are romantic people. He may be sulking somewhere. 

Weirdly, until the year 2000, all the men chasing Ms Mobile only wanted to see her in black and white clothing. That should tell you how well men understand women. Then either Mr. Nokia or Mr. Ericsson allowed Ms Mobile to wear colors (screen). Imagine living the first 27+ years of your life only wearing black and white clothing. No wonder Ms Mobile is merciless to these men. There were so many casualties by the love of Ms Mobile that it is tough to remember all the names. 

Something else happened in the late 1990s. Ms Mobile saw competition from Ms PDA. By now you know that no one stands a chance against Ms Mobile. Ms PDA had physical attributes that Ms Mobile did not have. So competitive Ms Mobile went to L.A., had plastic surgery done and got everything Ms PDA had. You can imagine what happened to Ms PDA. Now with these new assets, Ms Mobile had new suitors. Much richer ones! A Canadian guy, Mr. Blackberry, was the first to see the potential of Ms Mobile in her new form. And, you know, the Canadians are nice people so Ms Mobile had a crush on Mr.. Blackberry for a while. By the early 2000s, Ms Mobile was playing with the richer and younger men. So she decided on some self-improvement classes and got a PhD with an emphasis on ARM Architecture and started to be known as Ms Smartphone in many circles. I think at that time the biggest suitor Ms Mobile had was Mr. Microsoft. He spent billions on Ms Mobile but she always found him nerdy and the relationship went nowhere. However, Mr. Microsoft has not given up.  The chase for Ms Mobile's love continued. The number of suitors keeps on increasing. In the  mid-2000s, Ms Mobile went back to L.A. and had more surgery done. This time it was to get the qualities of Ms Portable Media Player and Ms Camera. And, all this while, the primary residence of Ms Mobile remained in Europe. 

During all this drama, Mr. Qualcomm has been reaping the rewards of providing Ms Mobile with her Master's degree. What Ms Mobile learned at the CDMA college is always inside her head. But the relationship with Mr. Qualcomm is Platonic. He bullies some of Ms Mobile's suitors, advises others and makes money from all of them. It is really hard to get a date with Ms Mobile without paying off Mr. Qualcomm. Mr. Intel was very jealous of Mr. Qualcomm so he developed a new weapon called WiMAX to kill Mr. Qualcomm but the weapon failed shortly after launch. Mr. TI launched a weapon called OMAP but it was not very effective so he got rid of OMAP recently. On the other hand, Mr. ARM, who developed the curriculum for ARM architecture, has also been successful at monetizing his Platonic relationship with Ms Mobile. People like him and so does Ms Mobile as it is largely because of Mr. ARM that Ms Mobile does not have to eat often (battery life) and she can maintain her sexy figure. 

Ms Mobile becomes sexy

Everything changed on May 29th, 2007 when Mr. Apple declared his love for Ms Mobile. He made her look sexy and cool. With Mr. Apple, Ms. Mobile began to show more skin (the entire iPhone is a screen). You could touch Ms Mobile's skin for the first time with your fingers. This drove people wild! Mr. Apple taught her a new language: TUI. Mr. Apple even created shrines (Apple Retail Stores) for Ms. Mobile all over the country. People lined up for hours to see them together. It was unbelievable! Mr. Apple also gave Ms Mobile another name i.e. tablet (iPad). Ms Mobile has moved back to the US and now lives in my neighborhood in the Silicon Valley.

Ms Mobile on her first date with Mr. Google

Of course, now with Ms Mobile's newly acquired sexiness, even more men wanted her. Mr. Google created a plan to woo her away from Mr. Apple. I think Mr. Google was afraid that he may get killed if he cannot please Ms Mobile. Although Ms Mobile is a player, she rewards people for their efforts. She agreed to go out with Mr. Google. On their first date at G1, Ms Mobile told Mr. Google that he was nerdy and he reminded her of Mr. Microsoft. Mr. Google realized that he talked too much about Android but he  promised to do better next time. It was not easy for Mr. Google to get this first date as he had to influence a German guy, Mr. T-Mobile, and a Taiwanese guy, Mr. HTC,  to get him there. Mr. Google then decided he was going to follow every man who dates Ms Mobile. Mr. Google became Ms Mobile's stalker. If you see Ms Mobile anywhere with another guy, there is a 75% chance that Mr. Google will be there. On their last date, Mr. Google gave Ms Mobile a pair of glasses. Ms Mobile told Mr. Google that she does not wear glasses (she's far too chic for that!). Mr. Google is still baffled by Ms Mobile's lack of interest in such a cool technology. The stalking may continue. 

Ms Mobile as tablet 

Lately, I think Ms. Mobile is having an affair with Mr. Samsung. The happy relationship between Mr. Apple and Ms Mobile may be strained. Mr. Apple was really good at using the WMD of innovation but his success may have made him lazy and the rivals have noticed. I think he is trying harder now to keep Ms Mobile. 

Mr. Microsoft is working with Mr. Nokia to woo Ms Mobile. Mr. Sony has broken his engagement with Mr. Ericsson and Mr. Motorola was killed by Mr. Google just to get his weapons (Intellectual Property). There are new men in China who are vowing their love for Ms Mobile. However, so far, none of them is good enough for Ms Mobile. She is still seeing Mr. Ericsson and Mr. Huawei from time to time because they offer her jet planes that travel at 4G speeds. I don't think anyone will ever satisfy Ms Mobile's need for speed. Meanwhile, Ms Mobile is enjoying millions of new earrings (Mobile Apps) since Mr. Apple encouraged her to get her ears pierced and gave Ms Mobile her first set of earrings. A new business worth $25 billion per year has been created just selling earrings to Ms Mobile. However, most men still give Ms Mobile earrings for free. 

Ms Mobile's earrings 

Such is the aura of Ms Mobile that even if you are an otherwise successful man, if she does not like you, it can cost you an enormous amount of money. Take the example of Mr. Facebook who lost billions last year. And, if you don't have a plan to date Ms Mobile, you are not respected by other men and the chances of your success in life are really low. 

Ms Mobile on vacation in Nairobi 

Let's talk about Ms Mobile's vacations. You would think that her favorite spot is the South of France. Wrong! It is Kenya where 31% of the country's GDP goes through Ms Mobile. She also likes spending time in India where Mr. Airtel used the WMD of innovation to make Ms Mobile accessible to the poor. Since Ms Mobile is kind, many unknown men in India are trying to woo Ms Mobile to help them with healthcare and education. Ms Mobile used to go to Japan on vacations in the early 2000s where she had a fling with Mr. DoCoMo because he impressed her with iMode. Ms Mobile also spent time in Bangladesh to help many people get out of poverty with the help of Mr. Grameen. Ms Mobile sees a lot of potential in Africa. Within the US, Ms Mobile travels to Seattle from time to time to see Mr. Amazon who is wooing Ms Mobile with eBooks. She is known as eBook Reader (Kindle) in some circles. 

Ms Mobile as eBook Reader

Just like me, you must be wondering what's next for Ms Mobile. I think Ms Mobile is looking into men of different kind now that she has turned 40 - although she is more beautiful now than she has ever been. Some of these new men are Mr. Retail, Mr. Healthcare, Mr. Finance (banking and payments), and Mr. Education. Ms Mobile plans to attend a workshop at Esalen to learn how to better communicate with her two new sisters - Ms Cloud  and  Ms Big Data. Both sisters know tricks to enhance the beauty of Ms Mobile but the three of them have to learn to communicate first. 
Ms Big Data 

Ms Cloud 

Ms Mobile 

Let's see why Ms Mobile is interested in these new types of men:  

Mr. Retail has two arms: online and offline. These arms operate independently of each other. You can imagine the chaos Mr. Retail is experiencing. Ms Mobile can bring both the online and offline arms together and make them behave in harmony and hence enable Mr. Retail to behave like a normal human being. If you see something you like, Ms Mobile wants to be there to help you buy it right then and there. Mr. Retail has fallen head-over-heels in love with that. Sadly, when people go to buy something in a store (offline) , the store does not know who they are and people do not have their friends with them to advise them. Furthermore, Mr. Retail has no idea why people are buying some things and why they are not buying other things. After Ms Mobile has acquired the skills to communicate more effectively with Ms Cloud and Ms Big Data, people will have all of their friends and preferences with them all the time and Mr. Retail will be able to serve them better. Today, Mr. Retail is mainly "pushing" people to buy what he has to sell. Ms Mobile will enable him to understand what people really want and create more personalized products and services for them. Oh my God! Is Ms Mobile is a mind-reader? By the way, Ms Cloud and Ms Big Data also have to get their act together before we see successful dates between Mr. Retail and Ms Mobile. This is going to be an exciting relationship. 

Mr. Healthcare is in a government prison. However, he can get out of jail once a week when he works on consumer wellness where FDA approvals are not required. Quantified Self is Mr. Healthcare's new hobby. The first date with Mr. Healthcare did not go entirely as planned. The service at Nike+ Fuel Band was not reliable. But, it is a fixable problem and Ms Mobile has decided to continue seeing Mr. Healthcare. Imagine the possibilities when Ms Mobile can measure all of people's physical and mental activity. Doctors can get real-time data on how their patients are doing. People will become more aware of their health. All the wellness data for all of their lives is in a secure place with Ms Cloud. Awareness is the first step towards action. Ms Cloud would even be able to predict if you are about to have a heart attack! And, Ms Mobile would be able to communicate the prediction to people. What if Ms Mobile can tell you the number of calories you are about to eat for lunch by taking a picture of your lunch? Ms Mobile can help you meet your fitness goals by getting you support from your friends and she is going to make personal fitness fun. Mr. Healthcare is a difficult guy to date but Ms Mobile is excited about what the relationship can enable,  provided that Ms Cloud cooperates. Since Mr. Healthcare is a difficult guy, Ms Cloud has decided  to  chaperon Ms Mobile when she sees Mr. Healthcare. 

Mr. Finance is an interesting guy. Not only because he is rich but also because he is creative when it comes to making money. Think about how Ms Mobile helped Mr. Finance with Square by enabling millions of people to accept credit cards anywhere. The affair between Mr. Finance and Ms Mobile during her vacation in Kenya is well known. Ms Mobile has plans to allow you to leave your house without your wallet (i.e. you would be able to pay for anything you want with help of Ms Mobile). The first few dates between the two have been a disaster. Instead of talking about romance (User Experience), Mr. Finance spent all his time talking about NFC. What a nerd! But, he is willing to lean how to please Ms Mobile. For example, Mr. Finance is talking to Mr. Retail to make things more romantic for Ms Mobile when she goes into a store. Still, people are enjoying the results of the first few unromantic dates between Ms Mobile and Mr. Finance i.e. now you can deposit a check into your bank account by letting Ms Mobile take a picture of the check. Ms Mobile can also trade stocks for you. Mr. Finance has something going for him i.e. he is good friends with Ms Big Data. Imagine, what the three sisters - Mobile, Cloud, and Big Data can do for Mr. Finance. They can change his life. This may take a while to become a romantic relationship because of Mr. Finance's habits (the existing infrastructure and lobbying). However, the relationship is very romantic when Mr. Finance and Ms Mobile go on vacations to countries where Mr. Finance has never been before (no banking for the masses). 

Mr. Education loves Ms Mobile. Mr. Education is a really busy guy. He has to teach a lot of students with different IQ levels without knowing who understands him and who does not. Ms Mobile is already helping Mr. Education with ExitTicket by enabling teachers to understand where students stand where with lessons and who needs extra attention. There are places in the world where Mr. Education does not even have teachers. Ms Mobile can be anywhere and deliver classes to students without teachers. Students love Ms Mobile because she allows them to learn anywhere in the world. They don't have to tied be to a class and to the schedule set by the school. It would be interesting to see how this relationship develops since Mr. Education is a poor guy. 

I have known Ms Mobile since 1997 and I have been in love with her since then. She is fascinating! We talk often and we understand each other very well. I have been the only consistent guy in her life and I am looking forward to changing the world with her. 

Happy 40th Birthday, Ms Mobile!